Hi. My name is Pene. I am 40 and I live in the hills of Perth. This is a little bit of my story.  It is not the whole story of my life, but now that I have hit forty I can say without question that it is a very significant and poignant section.

Every life has a journey, and journeys always come with ups and downs, good times and bad, peaks and troughs, calm and chaos. To be able to absorb, digest and learn about what I need, and what I need to let go of, I have made a habit of writing to help me keep a distance and perspective.This is as condensed as I can do given that I am not a woman of few words (is there such a thing??!)
 
Let’s start at the very beginning...    
A very good place to start…
When you sing you begin with Do Ra Me...
When it’s me you begin with a mutant gene….
 
All a bit stupid really, but that’s kind of how it all started.When I was ten years old my Mum went into hospital, telling me with certainty that she would be home the next day. I didn’t see her the next day, or the next, or the next. I was sent to live with another family while my Father went to work, and when I eventually did get to see her she didn’t look too good. She had these crazy huge tubes coming out of a spot in her chest where there was once a 40-year-old boob. She came home two weeks later. Apart from an amazingly spectacular scar, I had no idea what really had happened. Curiously, it wasn’t until years later I was told she had had breast cancer.
She survived that and Ovarian Cancer (her second ‘primary’ cancer) 7 years later.
 
With this history and summoning up an air of nonchalant confidence, I tripped into the beginning of my very own journey. Stumbled and fell even… In 2008 I found out that, like my mum, I too had the BRCA 2 gene. My family history is pretty strong (Three generations that we know of) and although I was certain that I carried this gene, finding out was still a huge shock that plunged me headlong into personal chaos!! It felt like my mind was on fast forward, double speed, while my body was in slow motion. My insides were laughing wildly as I hurtled down the steepest slope of the figurative roller coaster holding my hands above my head and screaming, all the while wondering if this ride had been specially designed for sadists!  It took a while for everything to get back in-sync, and for me to feel like my feet were underneath me again.
 
Initially I felt like I had multiple personalities!!  Sad Sally came out to play quite a lot, Depressing Dianne hung around my ankles like a lead weight, Flippant Fiona laughed it off where at all possible, and lurking around the edges was Alcoholic Amanda. Most of my friends struggle with just the one Pene, so they had a lot to cope with too, but they became used to my mobile entourage in time!! At this point you realize the value of female friends and their ability to surround you and keep you floating when at times even your best results and being in control are hindered.

Soon after getting my results, I booked myself into starting the process of having a preventative double mastectomy with a reconstruction. The reconstruction part of the decision was an easy one for me, as I thought that if I ‘looked’ normal that I would ‘feel’ normal and therefore not have a reason or excuse to wallow in self pity and allow this gene to rule my world. Stuff that!! I am the Queen in my castle, and I will be in control. Full-bloody-stop!!

I have an amazing husband in the gorgeous Craig, and three wonderful kiddies (Meghan 16, Ella 14 and Charlie who is nearly 6) and if nothing else my family made all my choices SO easy!! They need me, and I need to be there to make sure they understand the full value of sarcasm, embarrassment and raucous laughter. Not to mention good wine, cheese and the importance of a good beautician…
Things your mother never told you – bikini line hair NEVER stays inside your bikini line!
 
I had my mastectomy and stage one reconstruction in January of 2009. I had two amazing surgeons – Boobie Doctor #1 took care of the mastectomy and Boobie Doctor #2 did the reconstruction which included using back muscle and expanders.  It was a tough operation and kept me in hospital for 10 days.

Slowly the expanders were filled, and I started feeling pretty good.  Then in June a week after the expanders came out and my real fake boobies were put in, I developed a bacterial infection that sent me back to hospital and surgery, which ultimately made removing one of my implants necessary for the next three months. I allowed myself two days of crying, wallowing and general self-pity before hauling myself back to a reality that involved lots of humour and a glass or four of good champagne!

There is nothing that I could have done to prevent it, there is nothing I can do to change it, but it was a difficult time both physically and emotionally.  I tried to use humour to my best ability to help me through.  Things like the following were bandied about in my conversations:
I am feeling a little flat… I am feeling a little deflated… The stuffing has been knocked out of me… Check out my mono-boob!... Things feel a little out of balance… Oh you get the idea!!
 
It was a tough time I will not lie, but once again I started to feel better and focus on the next stage.  This came three months later, when once again I went back to surgery to put an expander into my now healed side.  At the same time my left side was migrating to places that it should not be, so some corrective surgery was done on that side too.  Another wait and finally in December of last year I had two new implants put in, some final corrective surgery and the hope that all would now be finished!!  So far so good!!!

It has been a very trying time, and despite everything I would make the same choices over and over again.  There have been many lows, but over-riding these lows was the knowledge that I would never again have to worry that Breast Cancer would be a part of my life, that my family would not lose me to that terrible disease, or that I would not ever have to ‘survive’ it.  Pretty powerful stuff.

I have been amazed at the support that I have found on Pink Hope! I have found a place where I am understood, where I am not alone, where I am supported and also where my own experiences are able to help others. I have found that for every difficult time I have had, I have had the love of perfect strangers surround me in their words and again I have been fortunate enough to be able to give that back to this very unique community of women who chose life over their breasts, who are willing to make sacrifices of their body to enable their lives to continue, and who have a family history who’s cycle they want to break.

These women have become my hero’s, my inspiration and I am lucky enough to be able to say that they have become my friends.

My life has taken some good twists and turns but now I can sit back with the worst of everything behind me, crack open that bottle of wine and happily sit with my husband, as I watch my children, and enjoy happy hour knowing that my life is really happy for much more than just the hour. Alcoholic Amanda, seems to have set up permanent residency (unlike the others who have faded off into the distance) and thoroughly enjoys joining in on happy hour with me, Craig and anyone else who is around at the right time!!   She has mellowed right out though and is happy enough just to and pinch slices of cheese or dip her fingers in the home made onion jam!!

My life is mine for me to now live, I have sacrificed, but I have gained far more.  “You won’t realize the distance you’ve walked until you take a look around and realize how far you’ve been”