My name is Tash I live in Woodcroft/ Adelaide. This is my story and my journey so far.

My great Grandmother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer at the age of 49 and had to have one beast removed. Unfortunately we lost her when she was 69. My nana was also diagnosed with Breast Cancer at the age of 41 and again at 49 she had to undergo two lots of chemo. It was awful to watch someone you love so much go through something so horrible. You feel so helpless, you can’t make the pain go away or make the chemo feel any better.

I also have an aunty who was diagnosed with Breast Cancer at 38. She went through Chemo Therapy and Radio Therapy. At 55 my auntie is electing to have her second breast removed to prevent any chance of getting Breast Cancer again.

My father and I decided we would be tested for the Gene as the risks looked so high. I really thought I was ok with it all. But really I was terrified, I always knew the risk of getting Breast Cancer would be increased due to my family history but to know that in a few weeks it could be confirmed, well it all became real then.

I had already decided that if I was to test positive for Brca1 I would be having a risk reducing surgery to eliminate any risk of ever having to go through what my family went through. Having to see my nana at her worst was awful, there is nothing you can do to make the pain go away.
On July 13, 2009 I was told I had in fact tested positive for Brca1. I was devastated I felt like I had been given a death sentence, like I was a ticking time bomb waiting to go off.

I cried and cried in the shower so no one could hear me. When anyone would talk to me about it I would say “its ok, its just some tissue”.. Really deep down I was terrified at the thought of being cut open and a part of me being cut out. I did very well to hide my emotions.
Nearly two years after the diagnosis, a relationship breakdown and a change of careers I started to re think my surgery. I met an amazing guy who made me so happy and from this I gained my confidence back. I decided it was about time I made the life changing decision to have the surgery. My partner was so supportive of my decision and couldn’t believe why I hadn’t done it earlier.

I had already found my preferred Breast Care Surgeon and Plastic Surgeon so all I had to do was book it in.  I think I had blinkers on in the beginning of this journey and was trying to be strong but deep down I was ready to fall apart.  All the thoughts running through my head, will it hurt and will I be disgusted at what I will see when I look in the mirror. I had no idea what I was about to go through.
And that was the worst part, the unknown…..Anyone can tell you you’re going to be ok. It didn’t matter who I spoke to and what anyone said I was terrified and nothing was going to change that.

I now came to the realisation that I would never be able to breast feed my future children. They would lose out on all the nutrients from breast milk. I knew there would be a 50/50 chance of passing this down to my children. Whether I was to have a boy or girl the diagnosis is just as bad I feel.I felt like I had failed as a mother even before having children.

Would I ever feel the same once they were gone, would I feel like there was a massive part of me missing? At this point there was nothing anyone could say that would make me feel any better.

As I got closer and closer to the surgery I got more and more negative in my own mind, friends and family would say, “everything will be fine, you’ll do great”. In my mind I was thinking how do you know, have you had your breasts cut off and replaced??? I had so much anger built up inside,Being this negative was exhausting, all I wanted to do was sleep.

Within two months on March 11 2011 here I was, “D” day…. I never actually thought it was going to be this hard. I’m sitting in the hospital bed feeling really ill, I was petrified. Emotionally it really took a toll on me.

I had an amazing team of people working on me and there when I woke up to make sure I was comfortable and coping ok. I’m by no means saying it was easy, I was in a lot of pain and the pain meds were making me feel ill, I felt hopeless everyone had to help me to the bathroom and getting in and out of bed was not fun at all. I lost quite a bit of blood during surgery so when I was awake and able to get out of bed it was exhausting, I would go to the bathroom and back to my bed and before getting back into bed I would put my oxygen back on because I was so short of breath it was really hard to breath. I had never felt like this before in my life.

It took me a couple of days to work up the courage to look in the mirror at my chest; I was so scared of what I would see. I honestly thought I would look like Frankenstein. When I lifted up my shirt I was so surprised at how good they looked, smaller than what I had before I went under which was a strange feeling but I was so happy at how I looked.  That nite when my partner came to see me I showed him, the look on his face was that of amazement. He said to me “oh my god, they look amazing, I’m so happy for you”. That meant the world to me; I was terrified he would no longer be attracted to me.

It was more important to my partner that I was healthy and happy, if that meant that id have the operation and have implants for the rest of my life then that was what I had to do in his eyes. He was so fantastic through the whole process.
 3 months went by and it was time again to go under the knife and have the expanders taken out and the implants put in. I was so scared I wouldn’t be happy with the way I would look after the changeover. You don’t realise how many decisions there are to make. How big you want them, what shape you’re looking for, silicone or saline, high profile or not and he list goes on. I mean do you go clothes or shoe shopping without trying it all on first??...

The second operation was much easier than the first, I was able to get out of bed and walk around almost straight away.
As I look down at my chest I’m praying I look ok, that I look normal again. I look down and think to myself “wow, she did a great job”… so I get out of bed and go have a proper look in the mirror they looked great. They don’t look like what I was hoping for or expecting them to look like but much better than the alternative I reckon.

Two months after my final surgery I’m feeling great,It took a while to get back to my old self again. I struggled a lot through the last few months emotionally. I had to learn to love my body again, itsharder than I thought it would be.  I still have some quite sensitive areas on my chest and some areas I have not regained full feeling. I also still look at myself differently but no so much in a negative way but I’ll never look the way I did before all of this.I have no regrets about the decision I made, I am so happy I had the opportunity to make such a decision.
By no means is my journey over, I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life. I will have to prepare myself to have children and make sure they have all the knowledge and resources in the future to make the best decisions for them as well.
 I’m so lucky to have an amazing man by my side supporting me the whole way and still loving me all the same post surgery. Not only did I have him I also had my whole family behind me that was an amazing feeling, and they all did the best they could to help me through this tough time.

There are many people out there that never get the chance to change their life the way I did. I’m so thankful I was able to make such a decision; I would do it all over again if I had to.