That was 10 years ago....

My Mum went on to tackle her first bout of cancer with dignity and force but still seeming to take it all in her stride. She was an easy going woman and this blip on her radar didn’t change her outlook.  When  she went into remission after two years we were so relieved and pretty well got back on with our lives. If Mum was worried about it coming back she never let on.

She had a 12 month reprieve before symptoms started to emerge that saw her back in that same Doctors surgery. With his nonchalant way of telling the news..(which I still hate him for)..with his hands behind his head...rocking back in his chair he told us how it had returned and was “ultimately fatal” this time as it was now present in her bones and had spread to several other areas. These sun cancer type lesions were appearing all over her neck and shoulder. They were part of the Breast Cancer too!!!

I remember running out of the Doctors surgery and gripping the balcony  hand rail outside to steady myself. I was reeling and bent over and screaming in my head.  My Dad came out to find me and put his hand firmly on my arm...too scared to hold me perhaps for fear of him going down in a heap too. (He would be strong like this the whole way through). The rest of what happened is a complete blur. I just remember Mum..as ever...being her strong self and seeming to take the news and details in and just listen to what she had to do next. I was in awe of her strength. This was happening to her...told she was going to die from this disease and I was the one blubbering like a baby. I swore to myself I was going to be there for her the whole way and do everything in my power to “save” her. My Mum was not going to  leave us if I had anything to do with it. I clicked into soldier mode.

For the next 6 years there were many visits..oncologists,  chemotherapy, radiation (where she received third degree burns just to make matters worse) ..we also tried herbs, meditation. crystals and reiki....along the way she also had a bowel obstruction (non-cancer related) and was in hospital for 5 weeks having it reconstructed. I do not recall my Mum ever complaining...never heard her saying “why me?”....the only time she cried was when her perfectly styled hair fell in clumps on the shower floor. She wasn’t a vain woman but I think the physical sign that you have cancer is very confronting and her tough shell cracked that particular day. Mum would go on to lose her hair many more times in  the next 6 years with soooo many more chemo sessions. She looked beautiful bald though and that’s still how I remember her now. With an ever present smile on her face. She lived for my dad, myself and my brother and our partners and absolutely adored her 6 grandchildren. And we all adored her. She was always the life of the party and commanded any room she entered but not in a stand over way. People just gravitated towards her and genuinely liked and loved her.

On a Saturday in early March 2009 Mum had fluid on her lungs that was causing her some more extensive breathing problems then she was already having. She had been using an oxygen tank 24/7 for the previous 12 months but this day asked us to take her to the hospital as she really had trouble getting air in. As with any cancer patient she was seen to immediately and then admitted to a ward. We waited for her Doctors etc to arrive to drain the fluid so she could breath better and get her home in time for a special family wedding the following Saturday. Mum had bought the most beautiful teal green dress to wear and a dressmaker was so kind to make her a matching head wrap for her bald head. She looked so lovely when she tried it on. So I was hoping she would be released from Hospital in time to go. However, scans came back to show her liver was riddled with cancer spots and that she was actually in the dying process. We had NO IDEA!! Only two weeks before her Oncologist had been so happy with her that she said you’re a living miracle how you keep on going. This was so unexpected and so quick!! Over the night they had started to pump Mum full of morphine. The next morning a Doctor told me that Mum wouldn’t be coming home and it was only a matter of days she had left to live. I could feel my knees buckling beneath me but still I kept strong knowing I would need ALL my strength now. I asked for them to reduce the morphine so I could talk to Mum one last time which they did. It was a horrible experience because she was so disoriented and kept saying strange things and trying to get out of bed...but we said many many I love yous....and she heard me and I heard her...I kissed her face over and over and held her hand ..she said my name many times...she was “there” with us all. We then asked them to restart the morphine and I knew that would mean the end soon but there was nothing more that could be done and she had struggled long and hard...longer then anyone had ever expected and it was time to let her go. I went home to get some rest and of course thats the time Mum chose to leave us. It was Tuesday March 10, 2009. She had said she didn’t want any of us there when she passed and she saw to it that we weren’t. In the few moments no one was with her is when she went. I received the call from the hospital and remember howling..absolutely howling like a wounded animal all the way to the hospital....I was 39 years old and I was now Motherless. Too TOO young!!...and Mum was only 60 but more like 40. She was so vibrant. This was so unfair! ..I ran to her in her hospital bed...she was as warm and cuddly as I remembered her..but still....so very still.....I lay down beside her...stroked her face....kissed her one last time and said its all ok now Mum....its over.

Mums funeral service was on the Friday...the day before that wedding....we dressed her in the teal dress....she looked beautiful....we released  butterflies after the service.. that refused to fly off...they landed on peoples shoulders...they clung to the shirts and dresses of those present. Mum told me she would show me she was around and that whenever I see a butterfly it would be her. I have seen a butterfly in some form or another every single day since that day without fail. Even though almost two years later I am still raw with the pain of losing her this symbol gives me immense comfort.  

The reason I have been so graphic in my story above is for all to understand the journey and the associated pain that goes with it and why I have made the decision to have preventative surgery. Since Mums passing three other women in the family have been diagnosed with Breast Cancer. For varying reasons I cannot be tested for the BRCA genes..such as no willing living relative to test first and me not being able to afford to pay for it myself. I was told however that even if I was tested it would very likely come back inconclusive and I would be left even further in angst. It was said that my risk is deemed to be high though given my family history and that was enough...coupled with watching what my Mum went through to come to the decision I have. I have no doubts whatsoever about doing what I’m doing. How could you ever want to go through this or have your family watch you go through it?  I think once in a lifetime is more then enough to endure seeing that and I feel very fortunate that I have the option to do this and will therefore be able to live my life free of the fear and anxiety I feel everyday  worrying if Im going to get Breast Cancer. I am taking Cancers power away and saying NO!

So...I am now booked in to see a breast and plastic surgeon this month. It’s not a matter of if I’m having the surgery...it’s when. And the sooner the better is fine by me. The fantastic community support and information from  Pink Hope is giving me the courage and the guidance to move forward on this as I know I will have alot of support and understanding and won’t be alone. I read the stories on the website and feel so connected to so many lovely women and whilst its a sad reason why we are connected its also very empowering to know we are all in it together and its helping me to feel strong and inspired and unafraid. I thank you all for that. It’s a true gift that Krystal has given us here and I am so grateful for it. I will miss my Mum for the rest of my life. She was my very best friend. The gaping hole in my heart will close over time but  I know I will never be the same person again. I do hope to be a stronger better person. Like my Mum...she showed incredible strength in adversity and I shall do the same.

Much love to you all and thank you Krystal for all that you do and to everyone for their love and support of each other.