Telling family and friends about your breast cancer diagnosis can be difficult with emotions running high. We spoke to psychotherapist and counsellor, Lesley McPherson, herself a breast cancer survivor for her advice about how to share your news with loved ones, especially your children
“There is never a good way to let your loved ones know about this type [metastatic breast cancer] of diagnosis. It forces everyone to face mortality, and this might be the first time this reality has entered their lives. Even a ‘child' in their early 20s will feel anxious, bereaved and even angry at this kind of news.
“Remember – you can’t control how others will process your news. Each individual will do so in their own way. Some may react with in anger and fear, others may bury their head in their pillow and sob their hearts out. Others may shut you out and blame you. Some may even blame themselves.
“All you can control is how you love and support your loved ones. While this is a time when you undoubtedly need love and support yourself, you also need to let your kids know how much they mean to you and how important they are in your life. That your love for them is unwavering and always will be.
“If your children are quite young, there will also be fear involved that Mum may not be around to protect them anymore (this can also apply to children of any age). If this is the case, you need to ensure your partner or other family members are in a strong space and can help to keep them buoyant both emotionally and mentally. Seeking family counselling is something I would strongly advise to support you all.
“There is no perfect time to tell your news. You must trust yourself and the knowledge you have of your own family dynamics. Proceed when the time is right for you.
“Remember, this news is going to be a shock, so this time needs to be filled with love and all the strength you can muster. Yes, it will be very difficult; there is no ‘one size fits all’ way of sharing this kind of diagnosis.”
Why professional counselling can help
“Every child will cope with your news in their own unique way. Some may become very clingy and fearful, while others may act out in fear and anger. It’s quite unpredictable and it might change from one day to the next.
“Don’t tell your child to‘calm down’ or “to be quiet’, or ‘don’t yell’. Allow them to experience these emotions and work through them in their own time. Let them know what they are feeling is perfectly natural. It is all part of their process of acceptance. If things are really of concern, definitely consider taking your child for counselling, either by themselves, or with you.
Children, like adults, vary in how resilient or how fragile/strong they can be. Above all, children will value your honesty, love, and support at this time. If there is a really difficult conversation you need to have, and let’s face it, there will be many, then you need to be practical and compassionate with them. Keep them updated but avoid speaking to them in childish ways or baby talk. Arm them with the facts as though they are little adults - which in many cases is true. Let them know what is going on, what may happen in the future weeks, months, or years. Allow them to be part of your journey as you can support each other through this awful time.
If children aren’t coping contact https://kidsxpress.org.au. A professional counsellor can help to empower you with the unique tools you need to share the news with your family unit, based on your own family dynamics.
Further reading
The Cancer That Wouldn’t Go Away, by Hadassa Field
Written especially for the child whose parent is living with metastatic cancer. This sensitively written tale uses a gentle, yet realistic approach to help children ages 4-8 years face the unique uncertainties of life with incurable cancer.
Cancer Hates Kisses by Jessica Reid Sliwerski
Jessica was diagnosed with breast cancer four months after giving birth to her daughter. She wrote this picture book to give other parents and their children an encouraging tool for having those conversations.
The Wonderbly series of books
These personalise the tale to your child and along the way help empower them with tools to overcome obstacles. You add your child’s first name, and every letter of their name becomes a special strength in their story.
